Wednesday, March 15, 2006


Who answers their Junk Mail?

I mean really, are there people out there who are all like, "Hey, this guy's in a real bind, he's gotta escape [insert random 3rd world country here] before they storm his estate and string him up. Good thing he found me, a perfect stranger, to help him get his funds out of the country. Let's see where did I put my account info..."

Is there anyone in the world so credulous and stupid? There must be, since people are still sending this shit to my address, as well as a hojillion others. They wouldn't do it, with the cost of becoming a member of the most hated kind of miscreant since pedophiles and Nazis (sweet, my first Godwin!), if they weren't making money. But how? I refuse to believe that a part of the population lives as a kind of reverse eloi; bloated and pathetic, confined to their subterranean chambers filled only with with the blue-white glow of the CRT and the foetor of self-loathing.

-Wait, I take that back, I've played D&D with them. But I still refuse to believe that even they are so gullible as to fall for spam. I mean maybe back in the dark times when modems lived outside the computer -like mitochondria before Eve- but not now.

Imagine, just for a moment, a world where spam was legitimate.

What an awesome place that would be. Everyone would be filthy rich, after taking the million given to them by grateful African ex-patriots and investing according to the HOT stock tips passed on to them by benevolent strangers. We'd all have multiple Ph.D's and technical degrees, mostly from that Pinnacle of Academic achievement, University of Phoenix online.We'd be listening to our latest online course notes on one of our two free iPods, And, through the magic of modern herbal supplements, everyone would sport massive boobs and/or members on their perfectly sculpted bodies. Boobs and members that we'd be using to please the love of our lives or an endless stream of desperate housewives and girls gone wild (that actually looked like they do on the shows)

One thing's for sure, we'd all be getting it on ALL THE TIME.

Kinda makes you think of spammers in a different light, maybe they're not the hand-wringing, bottom-feeding, Gargamels we all imagine them as being. Maybe they're starry-eyed evangelists, with a vision of a bright and better world, and they just want to share that world with you.

Which brings me to my moment: All Evangelists are spammers, weather they believe in what they're peddling or not, the behavior is identical. One might argue that the religious variety is in fact, the worse of the two: spammers don't come to your door, they don't try to dictate public policy or start riots and wars. No one pickets funerals with signs saying 'he died with a tiny dick' or 'She would be alive today if she had bought term-life-insurance'

Why is one group considered a bunch of morally bankrupt assholes, and the other a group of people dedicated to 'values'?

C'mon guys, we're smarter than this.

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